Dear Dr. Pat:
How can my sister get her kids to bed at night without a big fight?
Dr. Pat responds:
Bedtime is often a troublesome time for parents and children. I will answer your question as if your sister's children are between about three and nine years of age.
Successful bedtime routines require much more than telling the kids to go to bed. It takes an investment to have a successful bedtime. You can help your sister if she would like.
Prepare the bedroom
The bedroom should NEVER have a TV in it. It should be quiet and able to be made dark. It is important to have only one or two toys such as a teddy bear in the bed.
Create a bedtime plan
Establish a regular bedtime routine and a regular bedtime with the children's input. What do they want? But the parent has to be in control and make the final decisions.
Have a slow down time for one hour before bedtime. Calmly but firmly remind the children 10 minutes before bedtime routine is to start. Then warn them again three to five minutes before bedtime routine.
A bedtime routine might consist of:
cleaning up toys
washing and putting PJ's on 30 minutes before bedtime
having a light bedtime snack
brushing teeth
listening to a bedtime story for 20 minutes
cuddling for five minutes
saying prayers
lights out, bedtime
Each family should decide their bedtime routine. Some families will decide not to have a snack or prayers or cuddles. That is fine. The activities should be quiet and pleasant for the child. This routine prepares the child for sleep.
Decide on something positive if the children have a problem-free bedtime
It could be something a bit special the next day. Or you can use a good bedtime chart that has stickers for a good bedtime and then something special after three good bedtimes (e.g., a special treat).
Notice good behaviour and ignore minor bad behaviour
Some families use removal of privileges (e.g. ,TV for a day) or removal of stickers for problem bedtimes. This works if the children are over six years or so.
More tips:
Calmly but firmly tell the children it is time to get ready for bed.
Do not bargain.
Do not give more time.
Turn off the TV or other games they are playing.
If they don't begin to move, gently but firmly move them forward.
Remind them of the consequences of a good bedtime and a problem bedtime.
Be calm, positive, and persistent.
It may take a week or two for things to settle down. Remain calm and determined.
Once the bedtime routine is established, keep it. A bedtime routine is work for the parent. But it is much less work and less stressful than having children in an uproar for hours. Good bedtimes can be positive and important times to build the relationship with children.
Patrick J. McGrath OC, PhD, FRSC is a clinical psychologist and a researcher. He is Professor of Psychology, Pediatrics, and Psychiatry at Dalhousie University and Vice President - Research at IWK Health Centre in Halifax. He is also the CEO of the Strongest Families Institute, which provides mental health care to families across Canada.
Read more "Ask Dr. Pat" columns
If you would like to send Dr. Pat a question, please email us at about.kidshealth@sickkids.ca.
Dr. Pat will respond to as many letters as possible with evidence-based answers. We hope that the column will be interesting and helpful for readers; however, Dr. Pat cannot provide health care through the column. Please contact a physician or other registered health care professional to provide health care guidance or advice.