By Patrick J. McGrath, OC, PhD, FRSC
Question:
My five-year-old started kindergarten and seemed fine. She has friends and likes her teacher. I walk her to school and she goes to day care after school. This week she was back to school after the holidays. She had me come into the classroom and when I try to leave, she cries and is frantic. The teacher says once I leave everything is fine. Is this my fault? What should I do about this? The problem is getting worse!
Dr. Pat responds:
There are two possible causes for her upset.
There could be something happening in class that is making her afraid. Or, she could have separation anxiety.
Is there a bully? Is her teacher yelling at her or at others? Ask her if anyone is scaring her in the class. Ask if the teacher is yelling a lot. It is not likely to be a learning problem in kindergarten.
Talk more to her teacher. Check with other parents if their children are having problems.
If you find the problem, go to the teacher. If you don't get satisfaction with the teacher, go to the principal. Your child has the right to be safe in the class.
She had a fine time before the holidays. She likes her teacher. So, more likely she has separation anxiety.
Separation anxiety means that she does not want to be away from you. Maybe she had a great time with you over the holidays. She doesn't want to give you up. Maybe there were stresses over the holidays. She may be wobbly from this.
Does she show separation anxiety at other times?
Some children are more likely to have separation anxiety. It may be partly because of your genes. Maybe she needs more encouragement than most to be independent.
After school, talk up how much her friends and her teacher like her. Remind her that she likes them. Tell her you are proud of how well she does at school.
Ask her teacher to get her involved in something as soon as she gets to the class.
For the first week, walk her to the classroom. Give her a kiss. Leave immediately. If she fusses, ignore her. Don't hesitate or fret. It only makes it more difficult for her.
This will not psychologically damage her. It will make her stronger.
In the second week, wait till the kids start to go in and have her go with them. Starting the third week, just walk her to school.
Always leave the same way. Never respond to her fussing. Praise her when she gets home for any progress.
Don't worry about setbacks. They will occur if she is away from school for a few days or is feeling poorly.
The only treatment for separation anxiety is tolerating separation. Do it gently but firmly.
By the end of the month, she may be telling you not to walk her to school. She will want to go on her own. Too bad, I always found the walk to school a good time to chat with my daughter.
Patrick J. McGrath OC, PhD, FRSC is a clinical psychologist and a researcher. He is Professor of Psychology, Pediatrics, and Psychiatry at Dalhousie University and Vice President - Research at IWK Health Centre in Halifax. He is also the CEO of the Strongest Families Institute, which provides mental health care to families across Canada.
Read more "Ask Dr. Pat" columns
If you would like to send Dr. Pat a question, please email us at about.kidshealth@sickkids.ca.
Dr. Pat will respond to as many letters as possible with evidence-based answers. We hope that the column will be interesting and helpful for readers; however, Dr. Pat cannot provide health care through the column. Please contact a physician or other registered health care professional to provide health care guidance or advice.