By Patrick J. McGrath, OC, PhD, FRSC
Question:
I have a five-year-old daughter who is extremely affectionate. While I encourage her to be affectionate at home, I worry about her behaviour outside of the home. She will hug and cuddle with people she just met. We have had numerous talks with her regarding strangers; however, she feels that if mommy and daddy have introduced her to someone then they aren't strangers anymore. I'm afraid that if we discourage her from being affectionate now, then later in life she will be afraid to show her emotions. On the other hand, if we do not discourage her now, she may be vulnerable to predators.
Dr. Pat responds:
You face a dilemma that all parents face. We all want our children to be open, sociable, and affectionate. But we want our children to be street savvy so they can protect themselves against harm.
The key is to teach discrimination. You want your daughter to be warm and affectionate to family and select friends, friendly to some people, and simply courteous to all others.
She thinks that anyone that mom or dad has introduced to her is a "Hug and Cuddle" person. You want her to learn that "Hug and Cuddle" people are only those few that you designate.
I would recommend you talk to her about three types of people:
-
"Hug and Cuddle" people can be hugged and cuddled.
-
"Friends" can be talked to.
-
"Strangers" should be treated courteously but not talked to.
Role-play what is OK with "Hug and Cuddle" people, "Friends," and "Strangers." So you might ask "Is Jimmy a 'Hug and Cuddle' person or a 'Friend'?" "Is it OK to hug Marie?" "What about giving Jamie a kiss?"
Make it into a game. Practice until she gets it right. Bring it up several times to make sure she has understood.
Deciding who is in each group is up to you, not your daughter. Follow your gut instinct. If you do not feel comfortable with someone, do not put them in the "Hug and Cuddle" group even if the person is a close relative.
I am sure you are also talking to her about what type of hugs and cuddles are OK and what type -- even from a "Hug and Cuddle" person -- are not. Children are sometimes sexually abused by family members and close family friends. Emphasize even to young children that no one should ever have them take off their clothes or touch them in a private place.
Although most predators are men, women can be sexual predators as well.
It is difficult for parents to know how careful to be with their children. If we are overprotective, we make our children afraid of everyone. If we are not restrictive enough, we risk our children being abused.
There are other things you can do to help avoid sexual predators. Even when she is older, make sure you know where she is and who she is with. Once she starts to use the Internet, monitor where she goes on the Internet.
It is OK to be suspicious. Better suspicious than sorry for missing a dangerous situation.
Teach her to be confident and strong. A self-defence course may help as well.
Patrick J. McGrath OC, PhD, FRSC is a clinical psychologist and a researcher. He is Professor of Psychology, Pediatrics, and Psychiatry at Dalhousie University and Vice President - Research at IWK Health Centre in Halifax. He is also the CEO of the Strongest Families Institute, which provides mental health care to families across Canada.
Read more "Ask Dr. Pat" columns
If you would like to send Dr. Pat a question, please email us at about.kidshealth@sickkids.ca.
Dr. Pat will respond to as many letters as possible with evidence-based answers. We hope that the column will be interesting and helpful for readers; however, Dr. Pat cannot provide health care through the column. Please contact a physician or other registered health care professional to provide health care guidance or advice.