Dealing with temper tantrums

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By Patrick J. McGrath, OC, PhD, FRSC

Question:

My five-year-old daughter won't listen and rebels at any discipline.

No matter the punishment, it doesn't sink in. She recently bit, without any reason, an eight-year-old friend at a birthday party. She was given a time-out and no birthday cake or treats. She said sorry but it didn't sink in at all.

She was mad at me for leaving the beach and threw sand in my face and tried to bite me. She got out of my arms and ran back into the water. I was so frustrated and embarrassed. I had a friend who was with her daughter. I left crying to put things in the car; my friend got her out of the water and made her wait on the blanket for me.

I came back and picked her up without talking to her. She kicked and screamed all the way to the car and tried to bite and hit me. I put her in the car, told her we were leaving because of her behaviour and we wouldn't be going to her friend's house that evening. She showed no real concern.

No punishment seems to change her. I've taken away TV time and favourite toys. In time-out, she throws stuff if she can. It scares me to send her to school this year.

We have a good marriage but her father is away until fall. I hope to have her assessed but in the meantime how do I help her?

Dr. Pat responds:

Seeking help for your daughter is a good idea.

There are three major things that you can do to help her.

First, notice her good behaviour.

Catch her being good. Give her attention, praise, and lots of love.
Start a sticker chart for her positive behaviour. When she is "good" for an hour, she gets a sticker. She can turn in stickers for some special thing. Give lots of rewards.
Noticing positive behaviour will teach her that the way to get attention is to control her behaviour. Children with behaviour problems need at least five times more positives than negatives each day.

Second, try to figure out what triggers her tantrums.

Keep a record for a week or two of what happens just before a tantrum and what happens after a tantrum.
Maybe she needs notice when things are going to change. Tell her: "In 5 minutes, we are going to leave the beach." "In 2 minutes we are leaving." "OK, now we are going to leave."
Is hunger an issue? If so, keep small snacks with you to prevent attacks.
If she has tantrums when she is tired, make sure she has enough sleep. Kids have very different needs for sleep.
Maybe she just gets fixated on things. Try distracting her from what is triggering the tantrum.
Maybe she has problems when she has to share attention. If so, give her attention when other kids are present.
Maybe you work each other up. Be calm. Take a deep breath when she starts to have a tantrum. You can think more clearly if you are calm. If you are calm, she is more likely to calm down.
Is she getting her way by having a temper tantrum? Choose your battles. If she wants something that is reasonable, agree with her. Be careful not to get locked in a power struggle over nothing. But don't say no and then give in when she has a tantrum.
Are there some situations where she often has tantrums? Maybe you have to avoid them until you figure out a way of handling these situations.

The last strategy is using punishment. As you know, it doesn't always work.

Ignore most misbehaviour. This doesn't mean giving in. It means you don't pay attention to her when she is misbehaving.
Use punishment only once in a while. If it is used little, it will work better.
Don't start with small punishments and build up. Once you decide to punish, make it tough. I think you have a good idea of how to use punishment. Don't worry if she doesn't seem to care.

Managing temper tantrums is not easy. It will take time and the patience of a saint. Keep trying, she is worth the effort.

Patrick J. McGrath OC, PhD, FRSC is a clinical psychologist and a researcher. He is Professor of Psychology, Pediatrics, and Psychiatry at Dalhousie University and Vice President - Research at IWK Health Centre in Halifax.