By Patrick J. McGrath, OC, PhD, FRSC
Question:
Our daughter and her husband have been married for 5 years and have been unable to have a child, after many tests and therapies. They have applied to adopt a child from a local agency but have been told that it is a long process, with no guarantee that they'll be approved. They have a great relationship, enjoy their careers, families, sports, etc. However, there are times when my daughter, in particular, feels very sad. Many of their friends are having children; they are being invited to showers and to spend time with the children socially. My daughter never misses an event or an opportunity to spend time with children of any age, but at times it is very difficult for her and her husband, emotionally. What suggestions do you have about helpful ways that they can deal with the emotional impact of infertility? It seems to me that it is a loss: a loss of a dream, of the role of parent. Without wanting to hurt their friends who are so happy, are there appropriate times to say how difficult it is for them?
Dr. Pat responds:
Infertility is common and often a source of much distress. Women often suffer more distress than men because:
- fertility treatments are usually more invasive for women
- mothering is still often more central for women than fathering for men
- there still is a negative view of a childless woman
It is normal that your daughter's sadness is triggered by others having babies. It is a reminder of her loss.
There are several things that may help your daughter reduce the sadness:
- support of family and friends
- support from her husband
- a peer support group of other women with infertility
- books about infertility
It is important for her to acknowledge the sadness and accept it as a normal healthy response. It is a good idea to continue to do things with babies and children.
In general, avoidance will make her sadness worse, not better. On the other hand, there is no harm in occasionally avoiding difficult situations.
She may find it helpful to realize that she is making a difference in the lives of other children. She may wish to volunteer at Big Sisters or another organization where she can help children. She may want to babysit kids for the weekend.
Time and circumstances such as adoption will lift the sadness. Many families who are in your daughter's situation choose to adopt internationally because of the uncertainty of adoption in Canada.
Some very special friends who have children will be able to understand the pain of infertility at the same time as celebrating their parenthood. Some will not. I don't have any specific suggestions of how to share these feelings with friends.
Over 20 years ago, my wife and I went through extensive investigation and treatment for infertility. Our inability to have children caused us a great deal of sadness. Other people's kids helped us to cope. When our adopted daughter came, we were able to put it behind us.
Thanks to Dr. Anita Unruh for advice on this column.
Patrick J. McGrath OC, PhD, FRSC is a clinical psychologist and a researcher. He is Professor of Psychology, Pediatrics, and Psychiatry at Dalhousie University and Vice President - Research at IWK Health Centre in Halifax. He is also the CEO of the Strongest Families Institute, which provides mental health care to families across Canada.
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