By Patrick J. McGrath, OC, PhD, FRSC
Question:
We have been really lucky with our toddler. He is turning two, and we have never needed to discipline his behaviour much beyond ignoring an occasional tantrum, and distraction techniques have worked pretty well to this point. But we know it can't stay like this much longer! We're wondering what approach is best for a child of his age. What will give our son the right message? What works when it comes to enforcing the rules, and what just doesn't?
Dr. Pat responds:
You are doing it right. But your child's temperament is making it easier.
Some children are born with an easy temperament. These children do not get upset easily. They soothe themselves when something goes wrong. They have a positive outlook on life. It seems that they are born to be happy.
A second group of children seem naturally pessimistic from birth. They worry and are afraid of many things. They are easily irritated and often grumpy. They have to learn to be happy. A third group is often aggressive and do not respond to discipline. Most children, however, are pretty easy going.
Temperament is partly hard wired. But experience changes temperament.
Parents are very important. A calm, positive family life will help even a naturally grumpy and pessimistic child to obtain more balance in her life. A negative parent can challenge even the sunniest child.
With all children, the key to positive behaviour is a combination of high warmth and high but reasonable expectations. You cannot give your child too much love and attention.
On the other hand, you should expect the child to behave well and contribute to the family. At his age, that may mean picking up his toys, helping set the table, and so on.
In terms of discipline, use a combination of simple explanations and positive consequences. The best consequences are your attention and approval. Explanations will help him learn the reasons for doing things. So, for example, give him warnings about changes such as "In a few minutes, it will be time to start bedtime. You will have to pick up your toys in a minute."
If ignoring doesn't work for negative behaviour, try time out. Time out involves having him in a boring place for five minutes to help him calm down.
Overall, try to have at least four or five times as many positives as negatives.
For more information, see "Disciplining Your Child" in our Health A-Z.
Patrick J. McGrath OC, PhD, FRSC is a clinical psychologist and a researcher. He is Professor of Psychology, Pediatrics, and Psychiatry at Dalhousie University and Vice President - Research at IWK Health Centre in Halifax. He is also the CEO of the Strongest Families Institute, which provides mental health care to families across Canada.
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Dr. Pat will respond to as many letters as possible with evidence-based answers. We hope that the column will be interesting and helpful for readers; however, Dr. Pat cannot provide health care through the column. Please contact a physician or other registered health care professional to provide health care guidance or advice.