By Patrick J. McGrath, OC, PhD, FRSC
Question:
My husband and I have mutually decided that our marriage is just not working and have filed for a divorce. We have a five-year-old daughter, who for the most part has been sheltered from our disagreements.
We decided to live separately in our home until it was sold. Well, it is sold now and our daughter knows that she and I are moving, but I don't think she understands that it is because daddy and I are getting a divorce.
She is close with both of us and neither of us want to discourage her or upset her. How much information is too much for a five-year-old? I don't want her to feel like this is her fault. What are some age-appropriate techniques to help her understand?
Dr. Pat responds:
It is good that you have protected your daughter from your arguments. But you can't avoid telling her you are getting divorced.
She will benefit from accurate information given by both of her parents in a loving and supportive way.
Your husband and you should together tell your daughter that:
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You have both decided to get a divorce (not be married anymore).
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You will both still be her parents.
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You will both still love her as much as you ever have.
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You will both take care of her forever.
Tell her about what things will change and what will not change.
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Who will she live with?
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Where will she go to school?
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How will she keep in touch with each of you?
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Will she have a bedroom at both places?
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Where will the dog, cat, hamster live?
Let her know that:
She should be upset by the divorce of her parents. Tell her it is OK if she is upset or angry.
Don't tell her any of the messy details. Do everything you can not to have her take sides.
You will have to have several conversations with her. It may take weeks for her to fully realize what has happened.
She may beg the two of you to change your minds. Be honest with her. Don't give her false hope.
Check with your local library or children's bookstore. They will have books that she can read about divorce. These are a great idea but no substitute for you telling your daughter.
Your daughter may suffer from the divorce but you can minimize the pain.
Patrick J. McGrath OC, PhD, FRSC is a clinical psychologist and a researcher. He is Professor of Psychology, Pediatrics, and Psychiatry at Dalhousie University and Vice President - Research at IWK Health Centre in Halifax. He is also the CEO of the Strongest Families Institute, which provides mental health care to families across Canada.
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