By Patrick J. McGrath, OC, PhD, FRSC
Question:
I am 14 years old and my parents favour my 11-year-old sister. According to them, she does everything right. She is always nice to them. She does better in school and never has any problems. I am fed up with being compared to her. She is actually a jerk. Whenever I say my parents favour my sister, they get mad.
Dr. Pat responds:
You are in a tough position. It is hard to feel unloved by your parents. It sounds like your family has gotten into a bad pattern and you are suffering. I am sure that you know they do care.
There are four things you can try. It is best to start them at the same time.
First, talk to your parents
Talk to your parents when there is no big hassle going on. Choose the parent who is easier to talk to. You want to find ways of getting your parents to appreciate you for your own contributions to the family. Tell your mom or dad something like:
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"I am quite discouraged and need your help." This will put them in the frame of mind of being helpful, not defensive.
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"I am upset because I don't get enough encouragement from you guys." This will help them see that they can do something to help you.
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"I realize I am not perfect and I do things that upset you." This lets them know that you feel responsible for this too.
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"But I need you to give me positive feedback." This tells them what you want.
Don't make this about your sister; make it about you. Accusing your parents of favouring your sister will only make them defensive.
Notice any efforts they make to pay attention to good things you do. Encourage them by smiling and even thanking them. You can change them by using positives.
Second, find some things you can change
The second strategy is to figure out specific things that you do that irritate your parents. Make a list and select a few to change. Start with things that are easier for you to change but that they will notice. It might be something as simple as the way you roll your eyes when they speak to you. It might be the tone of voice you use. Figure out how to get more involved in family activities that you might enjoy. There probably are lots of things that would be easy for you to change that would make them feel you care.
If you don't tick off your parents so much, they will find it easier to be nice to you.
Third, surprise them by cooperating
Third, the command and instruction bit takes up a big part of parent/kid interaction. They try to teach you life skills by getting you to do chores. They use your cooperation to measure if you are a good kid.
It's easy to get fed up with your parents, especially when they order you around. Diffuse the anger before it starts. When your parent asks you to do the dishes, instead of being abrasive and refusing, agree pleasantly. It doesn't mean you have to do it right away. By agreeing immediately you take away the argument. They may give you more time to do the chore then they would if you had put up a fight. It is easier to do the dishes in 15 minutes than argue for 30 minutes.
Cooperating and sometimes doing chores without being asked surprises the heck out of them.
At first it can be difficult to suppress the urge to tell them off, but consistent cooperation gives them the message that you care what they think and encourages them to be positive.
Fourth, talk to another adult
The fourth strategy is to find an adult that you respect to consult with. It might be a coach, a minister, a teacher, or a doctor. It should be someone who knows you may have some other good ideas.
This might sound like you are trying to train your parents to be nice to you. It is exactly that. Your parents have gotten into a rut but you can train them out of it. You can turn things around. Don't expect instant success. It takes some time to teach old dogs new tricks. Don't give up.
P.S. Don't worry; your sister will have her own problems with your parents in the next three or four years.
Thanks to my daughter Mika for consultation.
Patrick J. McGrath OC, PhD, FRSC is a clinical psychologist and a researcher. He is Professor of Psychology, Pediatrics, and Psychiatry at Dalhousie University and Vice President - Research at IWK Health Centre in Halifax. He is also the CEO of the Strongest Families Institute, which provides mental health care to families across Canada.
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