By Patrick J. McGrath, OC, PhD, FRSC
Question:
Is there any way to stop my four-year-old from telling lies? He lies about things that matter, like who left the mess in the family room, but he also lies about things that don't matter.
Dr. Pat responds:
Children lie because:
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They don't separate fantasy and reality.
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They want to avoid consequences of what they have done.
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Lying has become a habit.
At four years of age, some children will have such a vivid imagination that they will at times confuse what they imagine with what is actually true. The ability to distinguish reality from fantasy grows with time. You can help by labelling what you know to be a story as such. If your son says he went flying around the neighbourhood with an imaginary friend last night you can tell him what a great story that is. Don't insist he agree with you that it was a story. Celebrate his excellent imagination.
My own daughter, at that age, had difficulty knowing what was a good story and what was reality. She is now a well-adjusted young adult.
It is a challenge to deal with kids when they lie to avoid consequences. The principle is easy. You want them to know that it is better to tell the truth and face the consequences than to lie.
Don't set up your son to lie. If you say in an angry voice, "Who made the mess in the family room?" it may encourage him to lie. Anyway, you probably know who made the mess, so it is not a real question.
Make it easy for him to tell the truth. Saying "So let's (you and I) work on the mess that you made in the family room" allows him to admit that he made the mess by helping you.
Praise him when he takes responsibility. Saying "I am pleased you helped clean up your mess in the family room" assigns responsibility in a positive way.
Lying may have become a bad habit. Be patient. Encourage him to tell the truth. Don't call him a liar. It will only make him feel bad. It will not change what he does.
Encourage his truth-telling by doing it yourself. You might even recount situations when you were tempted to lie and told the truth. Mention that people who tell the truth are admired.
It will take time for him to change. But don't make too big a deal of it. You don't want him to define himself as a person who lies.
Patrick J. McGrath OC, PhD, FRSC is a clinical psychologist and a researcher. He is Professor of Psychology, Pediatrics, and Psychiatry at Dalhousie University and Vice President - Research at IWK Health Centre in Halifax. He is also the CEO of the Strongest Families Institute, which provides mental health care to families across Canada.
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Dr. Pat will respond to as many letters as possible with evidence-based answers. We hope that the column will be interesting and helpful for readers; however, Dr. Pat cannot provide health care through the column. Please contact a physician or other registered health care professional to provide health care guidance or advice.