By Patrick J. McGrath, OC, PhD, FRSC
Question:
My 12-year-old daughter swears all the time. Every time she gets upset, her mouth turns into a sewer. We don't swear in our family and I find it really upsetting. I have punished her for it but it doesn't seem to help. She says that she can't help it. It just comes out. Other than this, things are pretty good with her but this spoils everything.
Dr. Pat responds:
Our culture has changed. When I was growing up, darn was about as vile a swear word we used. Now you hear the F- and S- words all the time. Your daughter has heard all sorts of swear words thousands of times. These words don't mean the same to her as they do to you.
One approach is to ignore it. Paying attention to her swearing may encourage it. Turn away and don't respond to her when she swears. Become deaf to her swearing.
Maybe you cannot ignore it. Another approach is to find a way to avoid making swearing such a big issue.
Talk to her about how upset you are. Together, figure out a way to make things work. For example, maybe you would not object to her swearing in her own room. Maybe she could really try hard not to swear when there are visitors. Maybe the two of you could think up some less offensive but still emotive words that she could try to use. Instead of S***, maybe she could try SHOOT.
Take the emotion out of it and you will be able to help her clean up her mouth. If you treat it more lightly, it could help. Instead of being disgusted, say "Did you mean to say SHOOT?"
Don't let your disdain spread. Don't let it poison the rest of your relationship. It is not a matter of respect. Remember, swear words mean something different to you than to her.
Make sure you appreciate all of the positive things in your relationship. It is unfortunate that she swears. But her swearing doesn't have to spoil the rest of your relationship unless you let it.
Patrick J. McGrath OC, PhD, FRSC is a clinical psychologist and a researcher. He is Professor of Psychology, Pediatrics, and Psychiatry at Dalhousie University and Vice President - Research at IWK Health Centre in Halifax. He is also the CEO of the Strongest Families Institute, which provides mental health care to families across Canada.
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