By Patrick J. McGrath, OC, PhD, FRSC
Question:
My husband and I have two wonderful children ages four and two years. The older child has had issues with jealousy towards the younger, but nothing too serious. Our younger child is cheerful and outgoing and "bright as a button;" in fact, so much so that relatives have often commented on it.
Our older son is probably just as bright, but very reserved. He only performs when he feels like it and not for just anyone. He is very caring and cheerful much of the time.
We try not to heap too much praise on the younger child and, if someone favourably comments on him, we thank them and then try to include the older child with comments such as "He has learned so much from his older brother." We marvel at some of the things he has done in private and ensure that the older child's achievements are recognized.
How does one treat two different children equally? My husband and I are both only children so we don't have experience. Is sibling rivalry inevitable?
Dr. Pat responds:
Your sons have different personalities or temperaments. This is inborn. You may have noticed a difference even during infancy. These temperaments are called by different names but the most common descriptions of your younger son would be that he has an easy temperament or an extroverted personality. Your older son might be described as having a slow to warm up temperament or an introverted personality. Personality or temperament usually does not change dramatically over time.
Both personalities and temperaments have advantages and disadvantages.
Your four-year-old will, as he grows older, have the ability to sit back and analyse situations very well. He may have a richer, more complex view of the world than his younger brother. He may not have as many friends as your younger son, but he may have deeper friendships. However, he may also be more prone to anxiety and negative moods. It is good that most of the time he is happy and content. His positive mood reflects the warmth and caring of your family.
Your younger son will likely have a sunny disposition and a positive view of the world. He may have a high level of interpersonal skill. On the other hand, he may not be as good at critically examining complex situations and focusing on details.
These different personalities or temperaments are not related to intellectual ability.
You and your husband are parenting in a very sensible and sensitive way. You recognize each child's strengths and are positive to both of them.
Your older son will have to learn to appreciate his own strengths. With your support, this will likely happen.
Sibling rivalry is not inevitable but is common. Your older son may feel jealous of his more outgoing brother or he may realize that his younger brother is just different from him. Your younger son may not notice any comparisons with his brother or he may feel that his brother gets more of your attention.
Sibling rivalry is not a bad thing as long as it doesn't get out of control. Your sons will learn that in your family each child is different but no less valued.
Patrick J. McGrath OC, PhD, FRSC is a clinical psychologist and a researcher. He is Professor of Psychology, Pediatrics, and Psychiatry at Dalhousie University and Vice President - Research at IWK Health Centre in Halifax. He is also the CEO of the Strongest Families Institute, which provides mental health care to families across Canada.
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