By Patrick J. McGrath, OC, PhD, FRSC
Question:
I am at my wit's end with my 10-year-old son. The problem is practically every morning I catch him playing with himself and not just in the bathroom but sometimes in other rooms in the house. For example, he likes to get out of bed and sit in front of the TV and masturbate while I am getting breakfast ready or making the kids' lunches for the day. I have tried yelling and sometimes I get so mad I take away his Nintendo for a while. I know "boys will be boys," but it's getting ridiculous. Once or twice his sister (she's a toddler) has wandered in so that's upsetting to me. I am embarrassed that he might do this in front of others. I haven't had any complaints though. How do I stop him? How much is normal for a boy his age? Should I punish him? Help!
Dr. Pat responds:
Most 10-year-old boys masturbate and there is no evidence it is at all harmful. Even young children may masturbate. Children masturbate because it feels good. It does not affect later sexual health or cause insanity. I would not advise anything regarding masturbation itself.
I am unsure how to answer how much masturbation is normal. I would say it is normal as long as it doesn't interfere with other aspects of life.
However, masturbating in public by a 10-year-old is a significant problem that needs immediate attention. It could be a cry for help but most likely it's just a bad habit.
Is there evidence he has been sexually abused? Is he sexually abusing his sister? Does he talk about sex a lot? If so, you must immediately protect him and his sister and seek professional help.
If there is no other issue, I suggest treating public masturbation pretty much the same as any other misbehaviour.
There are four strategies that can help:
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Make sure he understands what is wrong.
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Prevent it.
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Encourage him to do something different.
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Punish public masturbation.
Let's look at each of these.
Sit him down and talk to him about masturbation. Tell him it is OK in private but very rude in public. Make sure he understands that you will not tolerate him masturbating in public.
Prevention consists of changing the environment in which masturbation occurs. If he is in his PJs, you could insist that he get fully dressed before the TV goes on. Alternatively, just don't have the TV on in the morning. Being in his PJs in front of the TV in the morning may be a trigger for him masturbating.
Encouraging other behaviour might include having a chart for good behaviour in the morning that includes getting ready on time, helping with the other kids, and no bad behaviour. Use a small reward such as the opportunity to choose an evening TV program.
Punishment will work only if you catch him almost every time he masturbates in public. As well, the punishment should be firm and clear.
So keep an eye on him in the morning. Warn him, "No playing with yourself in public." You don't have to yell but he has to know you mean business. Don't give any second chances and catch him every time. Once you are reasonably sure he is masturbating, say in a strong voice, "Stop that! No Nintendo, computer, or TV for you today." Turn off the TV and send him to his room.
If he argues, "I was just scratching" or "That's not fair," tell him no Nintendo, computer, or TV for two days. Follow through every time.
You can try all strategies at once. It will be a bit of work but he will get the message in a week or so.
Children who are developmentally delayed have more difficulty learning what proper behaviour is. They may take longer to break bad habits. But if they are able to understand what is expected, they can learn.