By Patrick J. McGrath, OC, PhD, FRSC
Question:
Some back ground first. I have two children: a daughter, 14 and a son, 11. I have been divorced for eight years and we live with my boyfriend of six years.
Their father, who used to see them every other weekend, moved to Alberta suddenly. He does not keep in touch or follow through on promises to have them visit him. I am expecting another child in December. My boyfriend's niece, age 19, moved into our home and is staying with us till she can get a job and a place of her own.
When their father broke his promise to have them visit, I had the children fly to Ontario to stay with a family friend. I was astonished as the emails poured in about the attitude of my children and their disrespectfulness of others. Our friend is one of the nicest, sweetest people you ever wanted to meet.
I have discussed their father and the arrival of the baby at great length with my children, even letting them have a say in the naming and letting them feel the baby moving. I have sat everyone down and had family discussions over chores and behaviour, not always taken the side of my boyfriend, and have tried to find middle ground for everyone involved. I am at a loss. This has been going on for a while and I seem to be no closer to having my happy house back.
What can I do to help sort out the issues? I just want my happy, well adjusted, well behaved children back.
Dr. Pat responds:
It is hard to know exactly what is going on. My best guess is that your kids are feeling that they have lost their old secure life for various reasons:
- Their father abandoned them.
- They were sent away from home for a period of time.
- They have to share their house with a 19-year-old.
- A baby is about to take mom away from them.
After this cascade of losses, they got into a bad set of patterns that have continued. Or something might have happened when they went with your friend. Or there might be something else going on.
You are right to involve them with the baby. Good for you for discussing their father's behaviour with them.
There are a few other things you can do. Develop a special weekly activity that you do with each of your children separately. Convince them with your actions that they will always belong in the family. Your boyfriend could also consider doing things with each of them.
You could discuss with your ex-husband how much his children miss him. Don't make him feel guilty. Guilt will drive him away. Be positive. This may help him to stay more involved.
Pay attention to them when they behave. Say things like "It's great when you pick up your clothes." Don't say "Why aren't you always like this?"
Although their misbehaviour may be understandable, do not tolerate it. Have consequences for rudeness or not doing their chores. Remove privileges or dock their allowance. Make punishment strong enough but not too drastic. Choose one or two things to focus on each week. Make sure there is lots more positive than negative.
More talk may not help. Actions speak louder than words.
Thanks to Dr. Anita Unruh of Dalhousie University/IWK for consultation on this question.
Patrick J. McGrath OC, PhD, FRSC is a clinical psychologist and a researcher. He is Professor of Psychology, Pediatrics, and Psychiatry at Dalhousie University and Vice President - Research at IWK Health Centre in Halifax. He is also the CEO of the Strongest Families Institute, which provides mental health care to families across Canada.
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