By Patrick J. McGrath, OC, PhD, FRSC
Question:
My 14- and 17-year-old son and daughter often compare what I do with each of them. They complain that I don't treat them fairly. You know, "Well he doesn't have to do it. Why do I?" Sometimes I think they are conspiring against me. What can I do?
Dr. Pat responds:
Teenagers often have a very precise, if at times exaggerated, sense of what is fair. They will take offence at any perceived injustice. This is a positive trait when teenagers take up strong positions on important issues such as poverty, world hunger, and disadvantaged children. But it is a pain in the butt when they compare every aspect of home life.
Teenagers will often say, "Mom or Dad always loves Harry or Louise or Avi better than me" to find an advantage, to push the limits, or to get a reaction from Mom or Dad.
Consider if the accusations are true. If you really are treating one child much better than another, this is a serious problem. I assume that, by and large, you are really being pretty fair.
If your kids keep playing the comparison game, they must be getting something out of it. Some of the time you are responding to them in the way they want.
Teenagers, like the rest of us, will not invest energy into something that never pays off. Most likely they get you riled up a bit. Or they get you to change a decision. Even if this occurs only 20% of the time, it is worth the investment that they are making.
But what can you do?
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You could just ignore them when they start "whingeing" and whining.
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You could have a minor temper tantrum and say "I am not putting up with this" every time they accuse you of being unfair.
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You could agree with them: "You are probably right, I guess I give Jamie the advantage. But that is just the way I am." Of course, you say the same thing to the other teenager as well. If you say this with a straight face every time, you might get away with it and shut down the complaints. If you are not sure that your kids realize you love them both, do not use this strategy.
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You could just wait until they are 35 years old and have kids of their own, and tell them they used to be annoying too.
Alternatively, you could just accept their complaints as a way of engaging you. Do not take it personally. Be pleased that you have worked out a way that they can share their feelings with you.
Patrick J. McGrath OC, PhD, FRSC is a clinical psychologist and a researcher. He is Professor of Psychology, Pediatrics, and Psychiatry at Dalhousie University and Vice President - Research at IWK Health Centre in Halifax. He is also the CEO of the Strongest Families Institute, which provides mental health care to families across Canada.
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