By Patrick J. McGrath, OC, PhD, FRSC
Question:
I have two children, six and 10 years old. My six-year-old tends to gravitate towards much older children during play times at school and at their after-school program. Should I discourage her from playing with the older children (10 and 11 years old) and be encouraging her to play with children her own age?
Dr. Pat responds:
Your six-year-old may be playing with older children for several different reasons.
She may be intellectually gifted. If she is, children her age may not provide the mental stimulation she needs. However, children who are intellectually gifted may not be socially gifted. They may have social difficulty with older children. Children in this situation find it difficult to find playmates that match them on intellect and emotions.
She may be emotionally and socially more advanced than other children. Children with high social intelligence are able to manage complex social interactions very well. A socially mature child will be well accepted by older children and will enjoy activities that are typical of older children.
She may admire her older brother or sister and want to play with him or her. So by playing with older children, she learns how to play with her big brother or sister.
Older children may be more supportive of her than kids her own age. She may be taken care of by the older kids. Maybe they dote on her.
Playing with older children has advantages and disadvantages. Older playmates can be fun and teach her social skills. They can provide intellectual and social stimulation.
On the other hand, older children may take advantage of her. If she continues to play with children who are six years older than she is, there may be problems when she is 11 or 12 years old. Some of them will be experimenting with drugs and sex when she is still a preteen. She may not have the social maturity to handle situations that arise.
Being flexible in choice of friends has many advantages. If she can develop friendships with older kids and playmates her own age, she will maximize the benefit.
The bottom line is that the quality of the friendships is more important than the age of her playmates. If she is playing without any difficulty with older children, I would not discourage it. But encouraging her to play with mature children her own age would be a good idea.
Patrick J. McGrath OC, PhD, FRSC is a clinical psychologist and a researcher. He is Professor of Psychology, Pediatrics, and Psychiatry at Dalhousie University and Vice President - Research at IWK Health Centre in Halifax. He is also the CEO of the Strongest Families Institute, which provides mental health care to families across Canada.
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