By Patrick J. McGrath, OC, PhD, FRSC
Question:
I'm really, really, scared of confrontation or upsetting other people. This is so bad that if somebody mistreats me, I blame myself. I would apologize to someone if they dumped a pot of coffee on me intentionally.
I would like to become more assertive, but I'm always so concerned with stepping on other people's toes or hurting people's feelings.
How can I get tougher without feeling like a mean person?
Dr. Pat responds:
You have to change what you do and reduce your anxiety about conflict.
If you are in an abusive relationship, be careful of being assertive. Get help to get out of it. Being assertive could trigger violence.
Being nice is not the same as being passive. Being assertive is not the same as being aggressive.
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Passive people behave like doormats. They invite people to walk over them. They don't know how to reasonably insist on what they know is right. Often they are terrified of conflict. They give in to avoid every argument.
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Aggressive people put their own needs above everyone else's. They trample on others. Sometimes they are charming. But, they are bullies. They need to get their way every time.
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Passive-aggressive people may appear passive, but they are sneakily hostile. They are mean but disguise it by pretending to be nice.
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Assertive people insist on their own rights but respect the rights of others. They try to do what they know to be right.
If you want to change, choose one issue to start with.
Let's say a two-year-old boy wants to eat cookies instead of vegetables. He cries and says his mom is a meanie if she does not let him.
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The passive mom would give in, give him cookies, and forget about the veggies. She would feel guilty and hate herself.
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The aggressive mom would yell at him or threaten him.
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The passive-aggressive mom would give in and let him eat cookies. Then she would hide all the cookies so he cannot find them. If he asked, the passive-aggressive mom would deny knowing where they were.
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The assertive mom would quietly and firmly insist that he had to eat a certain amount of veggies before he had a cookie. She might give him a choice between eating corn or peas. The assertive mom would speak in a clear voice and look right at him. He might cry and carry on. He might scream "You hate me." The assertive mom would ignore him and firmly insist: "No veggies, no cookies." She would stick with it even if he refused to eat. She would say to herself, "This is best for my son."
Reducing your fear of conflict takes practice. Start with exposing yourself to a little conflict. Do not back down. Tell yourself, "Honest disagreement is good."
Make a list of 20 situations that you might be passive in. Have the full range from minor conflicts to major conflicts. Practice on the minor ones until you feel comfortable to move up a bit.
Start off simple. When someone says that it is cold, you could say that you like the cooler weather.
Patrick J. McGrath OC, PhD, FRSC is a clinical psychologist and a researcher. He is Professor of Psychology, Pediatrics, and Psychiatry at Dalhousie University and Vice President - Research at IWK Health Centre in Halifax. He is also the CEO of the Strongest Families Institute, which provides mental health care to families across Canada.
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