By Patrick J. McGrath, OC, PhD, FRSC
Question:
My two-year-old is a runner. He bolts from me whenever we are out. I am afraid he will run away in a store and get lost or into the road and get hit. My mother-in-law says my husband was the same way when he was a child. I am thinking of getting our son a harness with a lead but some of my friends say this is inhumane. They say that is treating my child like a dog. Will a harness harm him psychologically? What do you think? How can I deal with my friends? What should I do?
Dr. Pat responds:
Your first responsibility is to your son. He needs to be safe. Safety is more important than fashion or the opinion of one's friends. It used to be quite common to have a child in a harness. It is less common now and you may get negative comments from your friends or even from strangers, but safety trumps everything else. There is the traditional harness with a lead and also two Velcro® wrist straps linked together with a cord that may work. These are safety devices.
Once you decide on your safety device, you can explain to your son that you have decided to use this to keep him safe every time you are outside. Put it in a positive way. Your son may love the harness and lead or the wrist straps or he may resist. If he resists, be firm. His life could be at stake.
While there is no alternative to safety, you may be able to teach him to stay with you without the safety device.
The most important thing is that he needs to learn there is no alternative to being safe. You decide what is safe. Does he have to hold your hand or is being right beside you OK?
Tell him clearly that he must be safe and what it means. Then his choice is to be safe either with or without your safety device when he is outside. Do not be flexible or easy going about this. There is no room for compromise.
Once he has accepted the safety device, you can start teaching him self control. Give him a choice. He can be safe with or without the safety device on.
If he starts to test you, the safety device goes on. No discussion. No bargaining. No half measures. If you are firm and clear, he will learn quickly. Give him another chance to choose when you go out with him the next time.
Being safe using a safety device will not harm him psychologically. It will teach him that you care about him and that you will not mess around with safety.
Dealing with your friends is straightforward. Tell them you are more interested in the safety of your child than in anything else. Ask for their support with your decision. Almost all will be supportive. Anyone who isn't supportive doesn't deserve to be your friend.
Patrick J. McGrath OC, PhD, FRSC is a clinical psychologist and a researcher. He is Professor of Psychology, Pediatrics, and Psychiatry at Dalhousie University and Vice President - Research at IWK Health Centre in Halifax. He is also the CEO of the Strongest Families Institute, which provides mental health care to families across Canada.
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