By Patrick J. McGrath, OC, PhD, FRSC
Question:
My two sons, aged five and seven years, squabble all of the time. They call each other names, hit each other, and don't share things. Sometimes they are OK but I am worn out by their constant fighting. I usually cannot tell who is at fault. The younger one is more impulsive but I usually end up punishing the older one because he should know better. My older son claims I love his brother more than I love him. What can I do?
Dr. Pat responds:
Squabbling brothers have been around for several thousand years. Remember Cain and Abel. So make sure no one is in danger of getting seriously hurt.
The problem is that they are disturbing others in the family. You deserve some peace on the home front.
Stop trying to judge who is at fault. Judging who is right or wrong is almost impossible. It encourages sneaky behaviour and is almost always unfair.
Try "no-fault squabble management." Tell your sons:
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You expect they can settle their quarrels without fighting.
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You expect them to be peacemakers with each other.
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If they fight, that means they did not do their job and both will get a consequence: a punishment like removal of TV or grounding for a day.
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If they are peaceful, that means they did their job.
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For every fight-free day, you will reward them. Give them a choice of things you can manage.
Count only the disagreements that are bothersome. If they keep it to a low level, let it go. You will never get rid of all disagreements.
If they cannot manage your no-fault rule, give them a short peacekeeping tutorial. Describe and have them practice with you some simple skills like:
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walking away from a disagreement
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give and take in solving a problem
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discussing disagreements quietly
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sharing
After a week or two, if one of your sons is being taken advantage of, coach him on how to handle his brother.
Solving problems with brothers and sisters is a good lesson for life. It teaches how to deal with others.
When your son says that you love the other one more, respond with something like "You know I love you. You're really special to me." Make sure you find time to spend with each of your sons on their own.
Patrick J. McGrath OC, PhD, FRSC is a clinical psychologist and a researcher. He is Professor of Psychology, Pediatrics, and Psychiatry at Dalhousie University and Vice President - Research at IWK Health Centre in Halifax. He is also the CEO of the Strongest Families Institute, which provides mental health care to families across Canada.
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