Son is addicted to the internet

// News / Ask Dr. Pat

By Patrick J. McGrath, OC, PhD, FRSC

Question:

I have a 24-year-old son who is addicted to computer games and chat rooms. He quit school when he was in a master's program. He broke up with his girlfriend and says he doesn't want any more girlfriends because girls cause him too much stress. He spends all day and well into the night on the computer. He does not work but says he is happy and that these are his decisions and he does not want to be influenced by family.

This is causing stress in our family. We can't agree on what to do to solve the situation. His father went to a psychologist, but the psychologist couldn't offer him much help. I want to disconnect the internet as tough love. My husband said no, it would cause our son more stress and possible suicide.

What can we do to try and help our son and bring back some normalcy in the family?

Dr. Pat responds:

There are two problems. First of all, there is a chance that your son's withdrawing from social and academic life might be due to a mental health disorder such as schizophrenia, depression, or an internet addiction.

Strongly encourage him to talk to his family doctor. His doctor will respect your son's privacy and so will not tell you anything about your son without his permission. However, you can tell his family doctor about your concerns before he goes, so the doctor will know what to ask. Just drop the doctor a note or call. Giving your son's doctor information about him may irritate your son if he finds out but it is not unethical or illegal.

Unless your son is an immediate danger to himself or others, you cannot make him get help.

The second problem is that you have very low expectations for your son and are encouraging his lifestyle. You are giving him free room, board, and high speed internet without him making any contribution. Even children should be expected to contribute to the family. You are encouraging your son's lack of ambition. If you don't change, he will continue to hide in his room and won't do anything with his life.

Discuss a plan with your husband. Find common ground to help your son. Repeat that it is not acceptable to continue the same way. Suddenly being tough may not be acceptable to your husband but he may agree to developing expectations that are imposed over a month. If you and your husband can't work out a plan, nothing will change. It is not much of a future for your son or for your husband and you.

Expectations could include:

looking for a job
returning to school
getting help for his problems
helping around the house with cleaning, yard work, or cooking

Decide with your husband on a plan and how to approach your son.

Talk to your son together. Be calm. Do not attack him or call him names. Just deal with the facts as you see them.

You are concerned with his health. Detail your concerns.
He is an adult and must contribute to the family by working or going to school.
He must help around the house.

Be a good parent by insisting that he get active and that he contribute to the family. Develop a plan with your son. Insist on meetings every two weeks to review progress.

It is his decision to do what he wants. It is your decision whether to encourage this lifestyle. If he does not co-operate, you will have to pull the plug on the internet and free room and board.

Patrick J. McGrath OC, PhD, FRSC is a clinical psychologist and a researcher. He is Professor of Psychology, Pediatrics, and Psychiatry at Dalhousie University and Vice President - Research at IWK Health Centre in Halifax. He is also the CEO of the Strongest Families Institute, which provides mental health care to families across Canada.