By Patrick J. McGrath, OC, PhD, FRSC
Question:
I have an autistic son who is eight years old. He has difficulties when we are in the mall. I do try to avoid this but sometimes I have to take all my children with me to do errands; I have three boys. How do I handle the "looks" people give both my son and I when he has an outburst? I get those looks that make me feel like a horrible parent.
Dr. Pat responds:
There are two issues here: How to help your son when he goes to the mall and how to manage the "looks" that people give you.
Children with autism find it difficult to manage new situations. They often find noise, bustle, bright lights, and bright colours a challenge. People with autism have difficulty processing all the stimuli that occur in a mall.
Malls give me a headache. It probably feels like a terrifying, chaotic, screaming mob to your son.
You may want to develop a plan by trying to figure out what it is about the mall that makes it difficult for him. There may be several aspects, such as:
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how many brothers he has with him
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how long the trip is
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how busy the mall is
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how many things you have to do at the mall
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the area of the mall you go to
You might help him learn how to manage the mall by planning trips that are low stress. Make each visit a success by having it just below his tolerance level. If he does have difficulty, don't leave when he is making a fuss. Leave only after he has calmed down. As he learns to manage low-stress situations, you can work up to more challenging situations.
Some kids with autism find it helpful to have a visor or sunglasses to reduce the visual stimulation. Others find an MP3 player with familiar music comforting.
Any plan is likely to take many, many visits to the mall. It may take months with two or three visits a week before he can manage a hurried visit to a busy mall with all his brothers.
It may not work at all. Many eight-year-olds without autism do not do that well on visits to the mall with their brothers.
The second problem is the disapproving looks of many people when children have difficulty in a public place. Autistic children do not look different, and some may think he is just a brat. Some people are quite rude. Others may feel anxious and afraid.
I don't know if you can do much about the looks of others. You could just smile and shrug your shoulders. You could tell the people that he is autistic and cannot help himself. You are probably too busy helping your son when this happens to do much.
More than anything, you must tell yourself that anyone who thinks you are a bad mother is totally wrong. Parents dealing with the incredible challenge of raising an autistic child deserve a medal, not scornful looks. You merit all the support we can give. The dedication and patience of mothers such as you is an inspiration to all of us.
Patrick J. McGrath OC, PhD, FRSC is a clinical psychologist and a researcher. He is Professor of Psychology, Pediatrics, and Psychiatry at Dalhousie University and Vice President - Research at IWK Health Centre in Halifax. He is also the CEO of the Strongest Families Institute, which provides mental health care to families across Canada.
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