By Patrick J. McGrath, OC, PhD, FRSC
Question:
My young neighbour has a boy and a girl aged about 3 and 4 years. There is no father involved. She has no family in town. My own children are grown and have moved away so I only see my grandchildren a few times a year. I have taken an interest in my neighbour's children. I take care of them when their mother needs help. I am concerned because their mother drinks too much and frequently swears at them and treats them very badly when she has been drinking. Sometimes they have bruises on their arms where someone has grabbed them. A few days ago, the younger child had a fat lip. His mother said he tripped and fell. I think she hit him. I have seen her slap his face and hit him and his sister but not really hard. What am I supposed to do? If I report the mom to Children's Aid, I am sure she will not let me spend time with them. They need all the help they can get.
Dr. Pat responds:
Your support of this family is important. Families who are isolated are much more likely to do poorly. It truly does take a village to raise a child. You may be the difference that allows these children to become successful adults.
The law is quite clear. According to the Children and Family Services Act, in Nova Scotia, anyone who knows of a child in need of protection is required to report to the local child protection agency. The Supreme Court says that being hit in the face is a form of abuse. Even a reasonable suspicion of child abuse or neglect should be reported to the Community Services Department. All provinces have similar laws.
You should report this as it is likely child abuse. The Child Protection Services will investigate to help the mother and protect the children. It is very unlikely that the children will be taken away from their mother. Hopefully mom will get the help she needs. The Child Protection Services will be discreet about who reported the problem but she may find out.
There is a fine or possible jail term for not reporting. More importantly, these children need protection.
There are other things you can do. Continue to befriend this family. Listen to the mom when she tells you about her difficulties. You may be the only person who listens to her.
You can encourage the mother to get help with her drinking and her parenting skills. Ask mom in a genuine way what her goals are. Don't tell her what she should do.
Parents are much more aggressive with their children when they have been drinking. If she can control her drinking, she will be more able to manage her children's behaviour. Some parenting classes would also help.
Aggressive parenting is a major factor in increasing child acting-out behaviour. Parents who drink excessively are often inconsistent. She may also feel guilty about her behaviour.
You should also notice the positive things she does with her children. Let her know about what she does right. Minimize your criticism.
You must report child abuse. It is best for the children and it is the law. I hope it does not end your relationship with this family. Your influence is very positive.
Although it must be challenging for you, it obviously is rewarding to you to be involved with these children.
Patrick J. McGrath OC, PhD, FRSC is a clinical psychologist and a researcher. He is Professor of Psychology, Pediatrics, and Psychiatry at Dalhousie University and Vice President - Research at IWK Health Centre in Halifax. He is also the CEO of the Strongest Families Institute, which provides mental health care to families across Canada.
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