Dear Dr. Pat:
My 15-year-old son is about to write his first set of high school exams. He has always been a good student but his marks are slipping, and he is putting almost no effort into his school work. He is very active; he plays hockey on a team and on a nearby outdoor rink every opportunity he gets. I respect that he needs this physical activity, but we often argue about school work, and he says he just doesn't care. Although I'm on the look out for drugs and alcohol, I don't suspect him of using either. Can you suggest a way that I can positively encourage him to study and to take pride in his school work? I'm very concerned that now is the time that he should be (but clearly is not!) forming good work habits that will be with him for good. I'm also worried that he will begin to settle for just getting by and not doing his best. We tell him constantly that we don't care about his marks, as long as he is doing his best. He really is a great kid but I feel like I need to keep him on track.
Thanks!
Dr. Pat responds:
Motivating our children to do challenging things is a major part of being a parent. We want our children to be self motivated. We want our children to want to work hard at school. We want our children to clean their rooms. Often our children are not self motivated.
So what can you do?
You have two options. One option is to accept your child's "don't care" attitude. The problem is that he may well learn to just scrape by. From your son's perspective, this is perfectly understandable. He is maximizing his pleasure and minimizing his pain.
The other option is to use external methods to change your child's behaviour.
The major thing that parents do is we talk to the child about how important school is. Although there is nothing wrong with this, it doesn't work well unless more is done. Your son is saying he does not share your value of the importance of school. You can talk, argue, and debate but it is unlikely that he will change.
You should try very hard to meet with his teachers and discuss your concerns. Work with his teachers to develop a plan.
The most effective method of changing your son's school effort is to arrange consequences. If he works at school, then nice things happen to him. If he doesn't work at school, he does not have access to what he wants.
Your son should be involved in planning what you are going to do. He should have input but you have to make the decisions.
The steps are simple but challenging to arrange:
Keep track of his homework. Note the time he works and the results of his work. Establish a baseline. Make up a simple rating system that you use to judge his productivity, say a 0-10 rating scale. Keep track of how much he plays hockey or other sports.
Insist on a good study environment. A homework book that keeps track of his project deadlines, his tests, and his homework is necessary. Some schools post this information on the internet for their students. There has to be a quiet place for him to study. This should be where you can see what he is doing. There should be no TV and no texting or telephoning friends.
After you have a baseline for a week, set up a "when," "then" system. Establish consequences for his behaviour. For example, a small increase in homework time that is at least of adequate productivity could be required for a certain amount of play time.
Use a daily homework chart to record his productive homework each day and his play time. The play time consequence can be the same day or could be for the next week. You should decide what works best. You have to make sure the consequence sticks.
There are two principles to consider:
First of all, you have to make the consequence worth his while. The consequence has to be very meaningful. If you make the consequence too little, he will not change his behaviour. So, you have to make the amount of play time very significant. Don't gradually increase the amount of time. Start with a high amount of time.
Second, make sure he can win. Make the increase in his productive headache easy enough for him to achieve. Start with a small increase (15% to 20%) of productive homework time from the baseline. Then, depending on his examination results, you can change what you expect.
Don't get angry. Be calm and firm. Use a lot of positive feedback.
Your son will probably not like this new approach. He may try to figure out how to get around the approach. He may whine and complain that it is not fair. He may try to sneak out and play. He may say that you are mean and don't love him. Don't argue with him. Just be warm and firm.
You may have a difficult time doing this. Being a parent is a challenge.