By Patrick J. McGrath, OC, PhD, FRSC
Question:
My 16-year-old son is very destructive. He lacks self confidence and has failed his grade. He is smart but says he can't concentrate. His guidance counsellor is trying to help him. She says he is a lovely young man. The school says he is not depressed but might have ADHD. He saw his family doctor, the mental health clinic, and a school social worker but he won't stick with anything.
He is a good kid and his teachers like him. His dad wants to kick him out. I don't know how much longer we can live like this. We never dreamed that our son would yell at us like a drill sergeant and break everything when he is mad.
Dr. Pat responds:
I assume you have not abused him. You have done your best. You and your husband are not to blame.
I can't imagine that your son chose to be miserable, destructive, and failing school. He is not to blame either.
Your son needs professional help but won't, as yet, accept it. Without professional help, it is difficult to know if he is depressed, has ADHD, or some other problem.
There are some hopeful signs. He is close to his guidance counsellor. He is smart and his teachers like him.
Talk to his guidance counsellor or to the people at the mental health clinic. They will not be able to reveal what was said in confidence, but they may have some ideas of what you can do.
Talk with your husband. I am sure he loves his son as much as you do. I sympathize with his frustration. How can the two of you cope with the outbursts while you help your son control himself? Can you lower the pressure for now? Avoid your son when he is raging.
Find a time and place for one of you to talk to your son in a non-confrontational way. First, identify and understand his concerns. Notice how difficult it is for him and how unhappy he seems.
Second, since you cannot make him stop his rages, reassure him that you are not going to try. It is hard to rage without resistance.
Third, once you let him know how much you realize he is distressed, tell him your expectations that he learn to control his temper. Be honest and strong but not hostile.
Fourth, invite him to problem-solve about his shouting and breaking stuff. Ask him what he can do? What can you do?
Brainstorm possible solutions. The plan has to be realistic. The plan has to be agreeable to all of the family, including you. It may take several attempts to get a plan.
Try the plan.
It may not work that well. Don't give up. Start the process again. Understand his point of view first. Tell him your concerns. Figure out a new plan. Maybe the seventh time it will work.
Something has to change. Try working with him, not against him. If you can engage him in problem solving, he can learn to control his behaviour. It will take time and courage.
Patrick J. McGrath OC, PhD, FRSC is a clinical psychologist and a researcher. He is Professor of Psychology, Pediatrics, and Psychiatry at Dalhousie University and Vice President - Research at IWK Health Centre in Halifax. He is also the CEO of the Strongest Families Institute, which provides mental health care to families across Canada.
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