By Patrick J. McGrath, OC, PhD, FRSC
What do we fathers do? We do a lot. Even though moms do more child care, we are quite important in the growth and development of our kids. We make our children strong and capable.
We love our children. We are a constant presence in every part of their lives. We tell our children stories, so that they learn language and who they are. We tease them lovingly, so they don't take themselves too seriously and can deal with real world teasing. We rough house with them and tickle them, so that they learn their physical side. We throw them up into the air and teach them to trust we will catch them every time. We carry them on our shoulders so that they can see the world. We wipe their noses and take them to the hospital when they break an arm. We expect a lot of them, so that they learn that they can do things. We teach them to respect their moms. We believe in our kids and give them confidence that they can do anything. We drive them to hockey, baseball, soccer, rugby, and ringette. We demand they respect their teachers and coaches and show them how to question rather than show blind trust. We go to each violin, choral, or trumpet concert. We show our kids how to treasure friends and how to respect each person as an individual. We are honest and caring in our family and show our kids how to relate to others. We encourage each child in the things they are good at. We marvel at their accomplishments. We laugh with them and teach them the joy of life.
But fathers also can cripple children emotionally and psychologically. Sometimes fathers are the worst thing that kids could have.
We ignore our children and make them feel that they are insignificant. We hit and yell at our children so that their lives are frightening and unpredictable. We hit our children's mother. We make excuses for children's misbehaviour and teach them to be irresponsible. We criticize our children so that they lose self confidence. We promise to do something with our children and then don't show up. We humiliate our children in front of their friends. We abuse the teenage referee and scream how stupid he is, so that our children will learn not to respect authority and fair play. We show our children how to drink too much and laugh when they get drunk. We give our kids too many things and not enough of our time. We let our kids watch any TV they want because it is easier than doing things with them. We demand our children be more mature than they can be and are impatient and hostile when they fail. We treat the women in our lives with disrespect. We pit one child against another so that all feel poorly about themselves. We badmouth teachers and wonder why our children have no respect. We use drugs and teach them how to get away with it. We bully others and teach our children how to be cruel and mean. We cheat on our taxes and steal from our employer but insist that honesty is the best policy. We are in our children's lives when it is convenient for us.
Most of us are not perfect. We strive to do better. We say we are sorry when we are not the best for our kids.
What type of father do you strive to be?
Patrick J. McGrath OC, PhD, FRSC is a clinical psychologist and a researcher. He is Professor of Psychology, Pediatrics, and Psychiatry at Dalhousie University and Vice President - Research at IWK Health Centre in Halifax. He is also the CEO of the Strongest Families Institute, which provides mental health care to families across Canada.
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