By Patrick J. McGrath, OC, PhD, FRSC
Question:
My son is 13 years old and my husband thinks it is OK if we offer him a small glass of wine when we have one. I don't think it is a good idea. What do you think?
Dr. Pat responds:
You and your husband should discuss why each of you thinks the way you do. Why are you opposed? Why is your husband in favour? Understand the other's position. You should come to some common position.
For example, if all your brothers and your father have alcohol problems, you may fear a genetic susceptibility. Your husband may feel there is merit in learning how to drink alcohol responsibly at home because he binged out when he went to university.
The most important issue is not what you decide but how you deal with your decision. It is important for your son to learn that alcohol can be a pleasure but that alcohol can kill.
Problem drinking can start early. In one study, 8% of seventh-graders and 17% of eighth-graders reported binge drinking (four drinks for girls and five drinks for boys) in the previous year. Problem drinking is directly related to:
Use of reasoning and consequences in discipline by parents is a powerful prevention of alcohol problems. Alcohol misuse in teens is clearly linked to hostile or ineffective parenting.
Make rules about drinking with your son. Explain the rules and the reasons behind them. Monitor that he follows the rules. Have clear consequences for breaking the rules.
If you want your child to use alcohol sensibly, you should do the same. It is hard for a child or teen to believe a sloshed parent who says to drink moderately.
Children and youth who feel connected to their parents are much less likely to drink foolishly. Being connected includes doing things with your kids and keeping track of what they are doing and who they are with.
It is healthy for teens to develop close relationships with friends. But don't abandon your teenager. Stay close to him. He needs you.
Drinking by youth often leads to other risky behaviour, including:
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drinking and driving
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driving with someone who has been drinking
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early sexual experiences
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promiscuous and unprotected sex
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risk taking that can lead to harm (for example, diving into unknown waters, risky swimming or boating)
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date violence or rape
You probably know that supplying liquor to anyone under 19 years of age is against the law. However, it is extremely unlikely that you would ever be charged or convicted for giving a small glass of wine to your son in your home.
Clearly, if you gave your son a great deal of liquor you might be charged with supplying liquor to a minor and you would also be liable under the child protection laws for endangering him.
If your son's friends get drunk at your home, you could be charged and you could be liable for what they do.
I don't have a simple answer for your question about your 13-year-old drinking a glass of wine with you. What do our readers think?
Patrick J. McGrath OC, PhD, FRSC is a clinical psychologist and a researcher. He is Professor of Psychology, Pediatrics, and Psychiatry at Dalhousie University and Vice President - Research at IWK Health Centre in Halifax. He is also the CEO of the Strongest Families Institute, which provides mental health care to families across Canada.
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Dr. Pat will respond to as many letters as possible with evidence-based answers. We hope that the column will be interesting and helpful for readers; however, Dr. Pat cannot provide health care through the column. Please contact a physician or other registered health care professional to provide health care guidance or advice.