By Patrick J. McGrath, OC, PhD, FRSC
Question:
My seven-year-old nephew steals candy bars from the local store. I don't think he has been caught yet. His mom, my sister, tells him not to but he does it anyway. She doesn't do anything about it and says it is not big deal. I am worried he is becoming a real thief.
Dr. Pat responds:
You are right to be worried. Many seven-year-olds steal. The lucky ones get caught. They usually give up stealing. The unlucky ones learn that stealing pays off. They may develop a long-term problem.
Seven-year-olds understand right from wrong. They should be held accountable for their wrongdoings.
There are four steps in combating stealing.
First of all, parents should be nosey and know what their child is doing. Know where your child is and who he is hanging out with. If you do not know what is going on, how can you prevent problems?
Children do not have the right to hide stolen goods from their parents. If you suspect your child might be stealing, do not be afraid to find out. Every once in a while you should clean out your child's backpack. This is good for hygiene as well. If candy bar wrappers or new toys or whatever show up, there should be an explanation.
The second step is for you to let the child know that taking things that do not belong to you is stealing. Let him know that stealing is not OK in your family
The third step is to discuss it with your child. You should ask where stuff has come from. If you know your child has stolen something, there is no use asking him or her. This will only encourage a lie to cover up. Tell your child you know he has stolen and that you are very unhappy about it.
Do not call him a thief or say he will end up in jail. Scaring kids does not work. Just let your child know how stealing is not acceptable in your family.
The last step is to have a consequence. The best consequence is having the child bring back the stolen goods and apologize to the person. It is best to speak to the person before and let them know what is going to happen. You do not want Aunt Wilomena to say “Oh that's OK, I didn't need that silverware. You can keep it.” If the candy bar is eaten, then the child should bring in the money from his allowance to pay for it.
It will be painful and embarrassing for your child (at least I hope it is). If he feels very guilty and shamed, he may need your support, but do not minimize the reason for punishment; emphasize instead how it took courage to apologize.
You will have to supervise the return. You do not want them to scam you and say they returned something when they didn't.
If the child does not feel guilty, the problem is more troubling. In that case, catching your child must be more certain. Punishment must be strong as he must be taught to feel remorse.
What can you do if it is not your child? When your sister mentions it, you can tell her what you think. If your nephew steals when you are in charge of him, you can make him accountable.
Do not judge your sister too harshly. Your sister sounds like she feels overwhelmed. Your support is probably really important to her and will help her take the stealing seriously.
Patrick J. McGrath OC, PhD, FRSC is a clinical psychologist and a researcher. He is Professor of Psychology, Pediatrics, and Psychiatry at Dalhousie University and Vice President - Research at IWK Health Centre in Halifax. He is also the CEO of the Strongest Families Institute, which provides mental health care to families across Canada.
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