When divorced parents argue: keeping the kids out of the middle

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By Patrick J. McGrath, OC, PhD, FRSC

Question:

What can be done with divorcing families when the parents use the children to get back at the other spouse and the children exploit this situation?

Dr. Pat responds:

First of all, let's be clear on a few things.

Parents using children against the other spouse will cause their children significant harm.
Most parents who are doing this don't realize it.

Most people, even in the turmoil of divorce, want the best for their children. To help the children get through a difficult time, parents have to follow a few simple rules. This will prevent the children from being caught in the middle of a war.

There are 3 major rules:

Never suggest directly or indirectly that the ex-partner or his or her family is stupid, bad, mean, evil, uncaring, or incompetent. This is particularly important if they are!
Never yell, curse, or argue in front of the children or where the children will hear.
Never use a child as a messenger, spy, or ally. Similarly, don't restrict what a child can say to the ex. It is bad for the child to be put in the middle of disputes.

The rules are for the kids' sake. The rules are the same whatever the age of the child. A teenager is no better able to deal with problems like this than is a three-year-old.

There are no excuses for not obeying these rules. Every time a parent breaks one of these rules, it harms their children. It does not matter if the other partner is being an irresponsible parent and breaking the rules all the time. The children are better off with one sensible, responsible parent than with none.

It is normal to feel anger towards an ex-partner. Hostility toward an ex-partner may be justified. He or she may have caused the marriage to break down and may be irresponsible. But each parent should follow the rules.

Each parent needs to be sure that the children's rights and his or her own rights are protected. Being assertive is fine.

Even if the ex is a total idiot, it makes no sense to fight marriage battles using children.

Divorcing parents need to learn that they don't have to go to war to protect the best interests of themselves or their children. Divorcing parents should select a lawyer that will represent their rights and help settle disputes. They must avoid lawyers who will seek revenge on the other partner.

Lawyers who are out for revenge will cost both parents more money and a lot of grief. Only the lawyers benefit when warfare begins. Mediation may be a way to help prevent warfare.

Parents should expect that their kids are going to try to play one parent against the other. Children try to play parents against each other when the marriage is in good shape. Why should they change if there is a divorce?

But it is the parents' responsibility to ensure this does not happen. It is hard to not take a child's side when she complains about the food at her father's place or the rules at her mother's place. But parents who learn to avoid this are helping their children.

Control of emotions, behaving reasonably, and settling disputes is best for the children. But it is also best for each partner.

Patrick J. McGrath OC, PhD, FRSC is a clinical psychologist and a researcher. He is Professor of Psychology, Pediatrics, and Psychiatry at Dalhousie University and Vice President - Research at IWK Health Centre in Halifax. He is also the CEO of the Strongest Families Institute, which provides mental health care to families across Canada.