By Patrick J. McGrath, OC, PhD, FRSC
Question:
My ex-husband and I have joint custody of our two children. We each have them one week on, one week off. We have been living like this for three years. Nothing I have done has made the situation work well. In fact, my son has developed serious problems and behavioural problems in and out of school. Every time there is a change in his father's life, he gets new symptoms. He was toilet trained, and then started wetting himself. One year later, he went through a phase of soiling in his pants. Again, it was always around a change in his father's life where there is no consistency or communication. I speak well of their father to them. I encourage them to talk to him when they feel upset towards him. I encourage them to call him and send him letters. On the other hand, their father won't do the same when they are with him. They are not allowed to call, not allowed to talk or ask about me. I have had to stop working to be there for my children. I am constantly getting letters from the school, requesting meetings about my son's behaviour. I don't believe there is a solution for this kind of arrangement. The laws need to change. Yes, some children adjust well in a joint custody arrangement where both parents are reasonable but, when there is a parent who is not reasonable, the other should have primary responsibility. It is a very unhealthy life to live for everyone.
Dr. Pat responds:
Joint custody is better than sole custody for children if
- there is no spousal violence
- one parent is not abusing drugs or alcohol
- each parent treats the other with respect
- each parent is responsible for the well being of the children
Joint custody does not work if one parent is threatening violence, badmouths the other parent, drinks excessively, or if there is no cooperation on things such as getting the kids back to the other parent on time. In these situations, joint custody can be a mess. It can cause strife in families for years. This is definitely not healthy for the children or for either parent. In these cases, sole custody is better.
What can parents do who are in the difficult situation you describe? There are some situations that are best dealt with by psychological methods. There are others that are best dealt with by lawyers.
I would encourage you to discuss this with a lawyer. Lawyers are often a good investment in a situation like this.
You may be eligible for Legal Aid if you are on Social Assistance Benefits or in a similar financial situation.
Joint custody is not the right solution for every family.
Patrick J. McGrath OC, PhD, FRSC is a clinical psychologist and a researcher. He is Professor of Psychology, Pediatrics, and Psychiatry at Dalhousie University and Vice President - Research at IWK Health Centre in Halifax. He is also the CEO of the Strongest Families Institute, which provides mental health care to families across Canada.
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