By Patrick J. McGrath, OC, PhD, FRSC
Family dinner keeps kids attached to parents. I guess I was lucky. My parents always had family dinners. All of us (there were 10 kids) sat down and ate together every evening. There were always a few "extras" at the table. Sometimes the "extras" would be kids, sometimes adults. We talked, we argued, we learned how to relate. Our parents found out about what we were doing.
Rituals were developed. When the discussion got heated, someone would repeatedly request "Pass the salt." The conversation would change, sometimes suddenly, to an area that was less contentious. To the outsider, our dinners may have looked like a verbal brawl but it worked.
If your family doesn't eat together, you are missing out on one of the best opportunities to make a difference to your kids. It doesn't have to be dinner. It could be lunch or breakfast. Families that eat out together may gain some of the same benefits. But those who graze for food at home, who watch TV while eating or have parents and kids eating at different tables are out of luck.
The issue is not being in the same space at the same time while eating. The key is sharing and communication.
The family dinner is:
- the glue that keeps parents and children in touch with each other
- a time for children to learn the family's values
- an opportunity to learn social graces
Family dinners may also be a chance to learn how to:
- cook
- serve food
- entertain
- promote healthy eating
- prevent obesity and other health problems
Dr. Pat's rules for the regular family dinner:
- Serve food everyone likes. OK, some adventurous side dishes are good too.
- Show a genuine interest in others.
- Turn off the TV.
- Prohibit criticism or belittling.
- Encourage everyone to tell something about their day.
Celebratory meals
Celebratory meals at Christmas, Easter, or Thanksgiving perform a somewhat different function. Celebratory meals provide shared traditions such as: the singsong that accompanies Canada Day celebrations; the tourtiere that mom prepares for Christmas; the turkey feast at Thanksgiving. Celebratory meals often involve extended family and/or friends. Traditional foods are often served.
Celebratory meals can be a disaster if longstanding tensions that haven't been resolved are played out. So if Uncle Harry gets drunk and becomes obnoxious or if Aunt Mary starts hitting on her sister's boyfriend, disaster looms.
At least 3 times a week, sit down at the same time with your kids, eat a meal together and talk about whatever is important to them. Have celebratory meals that bring people together.
Patrick J. McGrath OC, PhD, FRSC is a clinical psychologist and a researcher. He is Professor of Psychology, Pediatrics, and Psychiatry at Dalhousie University and Vice President - Research at IWK Health Centre in Halifax. He is also the CEO of the Strongest Families Institute, which provides mental health care to families across Canada.
Read more "Ask Dr. Pat" columns
If you would like to send Dr. Pat a question, please email us at about.kidshealth@sickkids.ca.
Dr. Pat will respond to as many letters as possible with evidence-based answers. We hope that the column will be interesting and helpful for readers; however, Dr. Pat cannot provide health care through the column. Please contact a physician or other registered health care professional to provide health care guidance or advice.