By Patrick J. McGrath, OC, PhD, FRSC
Question:
I am in my 20s and have been living with my boyfriend for four years. We plan to marry but have not set the date yet. My future mother-in-law seems to be fighting to maintain control over as much of her only son's life as possible, all the while making me feel really left out and unimportant. What should I do?
Dr. Pat responds:
If something does not happen soon, you will have continuing problems. This problem will not go away of its own accord. It will invade your marriage if you do get married, and if you have children your mother-in-law will interfere with you raising her son's children.
No matter what you do, your future mother-in-law will not listen to you. Her primary relationship is with her son. It may be that she was particularly close to him. She may really like mothering. Or it may be that she has little else of importance to do. The reason for her behaviour really does not matter.
You do not mention your boyfriend. He is the only one who can effectively deliver the message to his mother. He has to make it abundantly clear to his mother that you are the most important person in his life. He has to insist that she treat you with respect and consideration. The first time she does not, he has to firmly speak to his mother about it. If she continues to be interfering or disrespectful, he has to make a choice between being loyal to you or sympathetic to his mother.
The problem is not your future mother-in law but your boyfriend. It may be that he does not want to hurt her feelings. He may enjoy the attention and services from his mother. He may have a distorted view of respect for his mother. It may be that he has not realized that his mother is treating you poorly. The reason does not really matter.
Sit down and talk to your boyfriend. Do not criticize. Recognize that his mother has good points and she cares. Lay out the facts. Make it clear that you will not be second best to his mother. If you tolerate him taking his mother's side, you will always be in her shadow.
He has to stand up and make a clear decision. Does he want to be a "mommy's boy" for the rest of his life or does he want to forge a relationship with a partner? He can and should love both of you. But if you are going to make a life together, you have to come first.
He has to be firm and persistent with his mother. No matter how many times it takes, he must take the lead and make certain his mother does not interfere. He does not have to be rude or inconsiderate to his mother. He can be kind but firm, but he must be absolutely unwavering.
If he says "Just be patient, she will get better" or "She is only trying to be helpful" or "You are being too sensitive," he is dead wrong.
If he hasn't made a commitment to you, he may be unwilling to take a stand.
Be understanding that he may feel conflicted, guilty, or disloyal about standing up to his mother. But do not let him off the hook by understanding his difficulty.
You should try and make a relationship with your future mother-in-law but try as you will, you cannot change her on your own. If your boyfriend denies it is a problem or thinks it is your problem, you are in a real pickle.
Patrick J. McGrath OC, PhD, FRSC is a clinical psychologist and a researcher. He is Professor of Psychology, Pediatrics, and Psychiatry at Dalhousie University and Vice President - Research at IWK Health Centre in Halifax. He is also the CEO of the Strongest Families Institute, which provides mental health care to families across Canada.
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