Helping a child overcome school anxiety

// News / Ask Dr. Pat

By Patrick J. McGrath, OC, PhD, FRSC

Question:

My 11-year-old is very competitive in sports and academics. He gets very upset when studying for tests; he worries that he might fail. He has never failed a test and is a good student. We praise him for his hard work and good grades. When he has his little melt-downs, we tell him that as long as he tries his best, we will still be proud of him. That angers him; he says "but I don't want to fail, I want an A+." He doesn't get this way when his teams lose in sports - only with his academics. I'm not sure what to do. I want him to continue with his good study habits, but don't want him to make himself sick with anxiety over each exam.

Any suggestions?

Dr. Pat responds:

Your son may have the biological tendency to more anxiety than most. There are advantages to being a bit anxious. Anxiety can increase responsibility and can help us avoid danger. Your goal is to dial down his anxiety, not to eliminate it.

Your son has already learned not to meltdown with sports. He can learn to control his test anxiety from this accomplishment.

A few very important processes may be occurring when he has a meltdown from worrying about tests:

Two good things happen to him with meltdowns. First, you reassure him and give him lots of attention. Secondly, he does well in his test. Because good things happen with meltdowns, they could increase. Psychologists call this positive reinforcement.
He likely is thinking about all the horrible, awful, unbearable things that will happen if he fails a test. We call this catastrophizing.
As his negative thinking kicks in, his breathing speeds up and becomes shallow; his heart rate increases; he sweats; and his muscles become tense. When humans were living in caves, we had to do this to be able to fight or run from the wild animals. In confronting a test, this "fight or flight" arousal response is not helpful.
He never learns that doing poorly on a test is not the end of the world. Doing poorly is an opportunity to find out what he does not know and then succeed later. If he never does poorly, he does not get exposed to what he fears.

In sports, the situation is different.

If he has a meltdown, his team mates will not reassure him. They will likely tease him.
His coach has probably taught the team to psych themselves up: "We are going out there to win." "We can beat them."
Because sports are so physical, being physically hyped up is an advantage.
His team has lost some games. He has learned that it is unfortunate, perhaps difficult but not horrible or unbearable.

By working together, you can help him transfer his good coping strategies from sports to school tests. Make coping with tests a joint project, perhaps naming it "Operation No Meltdowns."

Here are some suggestions:

Discuss how he can transfer his coping with sports to his coping with tests. Have him talk about what happens in tests and in sports.
Get him to think of positive coping statements to say to himself: "We don't win every game, I cannot get A+ all the time." "I do well on tests." "I have studied, I can do it." "I will do my best and that is all I can expect." "I may not get every question right but I will do OK."
Practice slow deep breathing and having him relax his muscles. Show him that he can control his body reactions to stress.
Set up some practice tests for him. Tell him that sometimes he will fail them. Try to have him fail about one-quarter of the tests. Go back over the failures and help him learn how to succeed on the questions.
Tell him you expect him not to have meltdowns. If he starts to have a meltdown, remind him that he can cope like he does in sports. If he continues, do what you do for other misbehaviour. For example, send him to his room. Celebrate improvement in his coping, even if he is not perfect.

"Operation No Meltdowns" will take some time. The more you and he work on it, the faster it will go. Chart the progress. There will be setbacks. Warn him about this. Do not worry about them, just keep working on it.

These skills will last a lifetime and be useful for him in many different areas of his life.

Patrick J. McGrath OC, PhD, FRSC is a clinical psychologist and a researcher. He is Professor of Psychology, Pediatrics, and Psychiatry at Dalhousie University and Vice President - Research at IWK Health Centre in Halifax. He is also the CEO of the Strongest Families Institute, which provides mental health care to families across Canada.