The main task of adolescents in our culture is to become psychologically emancipated from their parents. The teenager must
cast aside the dependent relationship of childhood. Before she can develop an adult relationship with her parents, the adolescent
must first distance herself from the way she related to them in the past. This process is characterized by a certain amount
of intermittent normal rebellion, defiance, discontent, turmoil, restlessness, and ambivalence. Emotions usually run high.
Mood swings are common. Under the best of circumstances, this adolescent rebellion continues for approximately 2 years; not
uncommonly it lasts for 4 to 6 years.
How do I deal with my teenager's rebellion?
The following guidelines may help you and your teenager through this difficult period.
Treat your teenager as an adult friend
By the time your child is 12 years old, start working on developing the kind of relationship you would like to have with your
child when she is an adult. Treat your child the way you would like her to treat you when she is an adult. Your goal is mutual
respect, support, and the ability to have fun together. Strive for relaxed, casual conversations during bicycling, hiking,
shopping, playing catch, driving, cooking, mealtime, working, and other times together. Use praise and trust to help build
her self-esteem. Recognize and validate your child's feelings by listening sympathetically and making nonjudgmental comments.
Remember that listening doesn't mean you have to solve your teen's problems. The friendship model is the best basis for family
functioning.
Avoid criticism about "no-win" topics
Most negative parent-adolescent relationships develop because the parents criticize their teenager too much. Much of the teen's
objectionable behaviour merely reflects conformity with the current tastes of her peer group. Peer-group immersion is one
of the essential stages of adolescent development. Dressing, talking, and acting differently than adults helps your child
feel independent from you.
Try not to attack your teenager's clothing, hairstyle, makeup, music, dance steps, friends, recreational interests, room decorations,
use of free time, use of money, speech, posture, religion, or philosophy. This doesn't mean withholding your personal views
about these subjects. But allowing your teen to rebel in these harmless areas often prevents testing in major areas, such
as experimentation with drugs, truancy, or stealing. Intervene and try to make a change only if your teenager's behaviour
is harmful, illegal, or infringes on your rights (see the sections on house rules).
Another common error is to criticize your teen's mood or attitude. A negative or lazy attitude can only be changed through
good example and praise. The more you dwell on nontraditional (even strange) behaviours, the longer they will last.
Let society's rules and consequences teach responsibility outside the home
Your teenager must learn from trial and error. As she experiments, she will learn to take responsibility for her decisions
and actions. Speak up only if the adolescent is going to do something dangerous or illegal. Otherwise, you must rely on the
teen's own self-discipline, pressure from her peers to behave responsibly, and the lessons learned from the consequences of
her actions.
A school's requirement for punctual school attendance will influence when your teen goes to bed at night. School grades will
hold your teenager accountable for homework and other aspects of school performance. If your teen has bad work habits, she
will lose her job. If your teenager makes a poor choice of friends, she may find her confidences broken or that she gets into
trouble. If she doesn't practice hard for a sport, she will be pressured by the team and coach to do better. If she misspends
her allowance or earnings, she will run out of money before the end of the month.
If by chance your teenager asks you for advice about these problem areas, try to describe the pros and cons in a brief, impartial
way. Ask some questions to help her think about the main risks. Then conclude your remarks with a comment such as, "Do what
you think is best." Teenagers need plenty of opportunity to learn from their own mistakes before they leave home and have
to solve problems without an ever-present support system.
Clarify the house rules and consequences
You have the right and the responsibility to make rules regarding your house and other possessions. A teenager's preferences
can be tolerated within her own room but they need not be imposed on the rest of the house.
You can forbid loud music that interferes with other people's activities, or incoming telephone calls after 10 p.m. While
you should make your teen's friends feel welcome in your home, clarify the ground rules about parties or where snacks can
be eaten. Your teen can be placed in charge of cleaning her room, washing his clothes, and ironing his clothes. You can insist
upon clean clothes and enough showers to prevent or overcome body odor.
You must decide whether you will loan her your car, bicycle, camera, radio, TV, clothes, and so forth. Reasonable consequences
for breaking house rules include loss of telephone, TV, stereo, and car privileges. (Time-out is rarely useful in this age
group, and physical punishment can escalate to a serious breakdown in your relationship.) If your teenager breaks something,
she should repair it or pay for its repair or replacement. If she makes a mess, she should clean it up. If your teen is doing
poorly in school, you can restrict TV time. You can also put a limit on telephone privileges and weeknights out. If your teen
stays out too late or doesn't call you when she's delayed, you can ground her for a day or a weekend. In general, grounding
for more than a few days is looked upon as unfair and is hard to enforce.
Use family conferences for negotiating house rules
Some families find it helpful to have a brief meeting after dinner once a week. At this time your teenager can ask for changes
in the house rules or bring up family issues that are causing problems. You can also bring up issues (such as your teen's
demand to drive her to too many places and your need for her help in arranging carpools). The family unit often functions
better if the decision-making is democratic. The objective of negotiation should be that both parties win. The atmosphere
can be one of: "Nobody is at fault, but we have a problem. How can we solve it?"
Give space to a teenager who is in a bad mood
Generally when your teenager is in a bad mood, she won't want to talk about it with you. If teenagers want to discuss a problem
with anybody, it is usually with a close friend. In general, it is advisable at such times to give your teen lots of space
and privacy. This is a poor time to talk to your teenager about anything, pleasant or otherwise.
Use "I" messages for rudeness
Some talking back is normal. We want our teenagers to express their anger through talking and to challenge our opinions in
a logical way. We need to listen. Expect your teenager to present her case passionately, even unreasonably. Let the small
stuff go — it's only words. But don't accept disrespectful remarks such as calling you a "jerk." Unlike a negative attitude,
these mean remarks should not be ignored. You can respond with a comment like, "It really hurts me when you put me down or
don't answer my question."
Make your statement without anger if possible. If your adolescent continues to make angry, unpleasant remarks, leave the room.
Don't get into a shouting match with your teenager because this is not a type of behaviour that is acceptable in outside relationships.
What you are trying to teach is that everyone has the right to disagree and even to express anger, but that screaming and
rude conversation are not allowed in your house. You can prevent some rude behaviour by being a role model of politeness,
constructive disagreement, and the willingness to apologize.
When should you call your child's health care provider?
Call during office hours if:
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you think your teenager is depressed, suicidal, drinking or using drugs, or going to run away
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your teenager is taking undue risks (for example, reckless driving)
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your teenager has no close friends
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your teenager's school performance is declining markedly
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your teenager is skipping school frequently
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your teenager's outbursts of temper are destructive or violent
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you feel your teenager's rebellion is excessive
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your family life is seriously disrupted by your teenager
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you find yourself escalating the criticism and punishment
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your relationship with your teenager does not improve within 3 months after you begin using these approaches
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you have other questions or concerns
